Six Not To Do’s ON Meeting PEOPLE in Your Group

Source: Member Survey Results

For this survey, we asked our membership to identify the most common mistakes that people in their groups made during the initial group meeting. We also asked what they thought group members should do to correct these mistakes. Here is what they said:

• Not taking leadership to setup the first group get together


Situation: After Friendworks has assigned members to a group, it emails a message to those members alterting them to the group that they have been assigned. Friendworks also provides communication tools to allow members to communicate with the group thereafter (e.g., email, bulletin boards, chat rooms). However, in some cases, it appears that once assigned to the group, no one in some groups took the initiative to setup the first group outing. Instead, each member waited until another member took the initiative to schedule and communicate the first outing. So, for the first months, no members of the group met..

Suggestion: Once you’ve been assigned to a group, take the initiative to at least begin communicating with other group members to suggest and agree on the first activity. Don’t assume that others will arrange for the first group get together. Better, volunteer to setup the first activity within the first week that you’ve been assigned to a group.
• Excluding some people in the group from conversations


Situation: When initially meeting in-person with others in a group, some people have a tendency to talk with only one or two other people and exclude others. A few members felt left out of the conversations and found it difficult to break into the on-going discussions once they had started. This, of course, made it difficult to meet and make new friends in the group.

Suggestion: All people meeting for the first time should work to ensure that all group members are included in ongoing conversations. If you see someone in the group not participating and “out there by themselves”, take the initiative to ask them a few questions to get them involved in the conversations. This will make the group far more fun.
• Don’t try to “outshine” the other people in your group


Situation: Its natural for people to want to want to make a good impression on themselves during the initial get together, but once in a while people take it a bit too far. For example, in the cases relayed to Friendworks, some members felt that they were playing poker. They’d say they took a trip to California and the person across the table would cover their trip to Europe. In turn, the third person would talk about their recent 4-week African safari trip. Each person trumping the former.

Suggestion: Nothing wrong with discussing your vacations and other exploits, but we’d suggest doing it for the right reasons. You’re not trying to out-shine your potential new friends, but rather convert them into friends. If someone brings up an interesting trip why not just ask them about it and what made it so interesting to them. Let them shine!
• Don’t dominate the discussion or talk at length about subjects that are of little interest to others


Situation: While Friendworks matches people with similar interests (etc..) into groups, we know that each person still has interests not mentioned in their profiles that are possibly of not great interest or even boring to others. For example, in one recent group meeting, in response to a point made about how computers are much faster than they were only three years ago, one of the members felt it important to lecture the group on the detailed anatomy of a computer … CPUs, protocols and all. Finally, 15 minutes later, one member diplomatically slipped in to change the subject.

Suggestion: It’s okay to talk on subjects that interest you a great deal, but make sure that your friends have the same general interest before spending much time on it. Don’t assume that just because Friendworks matched you into a group, that ALL your interests are the same. Finally, best to stay away from lecturing unless you’re teaching a class or have a truly brilliant sure-fire way make a million dollars (hey even Friendworks management will listen if you do!).
• Don’t make snap judgments about people


Situation: When meeting new potential friends for the first time, most of us have a tendency to pre-judge or stereotype people based on the first few minutes we speak with them or even their looks. Several people in one group admitted that they had essentially written off one of their group members as being unsocial only to later find him to be tremendously funny and talkative once they invested the time to better know him.

Suggestion: Best not to judge people too quickly. For example, if a person doesn’t talk much at first, it may be that they’re shy. If a person doesn’t smile much, it doesn’t mean that they’re not fun people. If a person speaks with an accent, don’t assume they can’t fit in. Bottom line is that first impressions may be wrong! Work to get to know people before making any decisions on whether you’d like them as friends moving forward.
• Showing up with spouses or other friends


Situation: Several of are members note that others in the group had brought friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, you name it to the initial group get together. Several members noted that it made it harder to get to know the other members of the group. Many of the guys felt that they had to watch what they said in the presence of wives attending. Many of the women groups felt that the boy friends presence got in the way of their girl talk.

Suggestion: In meeting your group for the first time, it’s probably best to go by yourself to the group get together. If circumstances dictate that you need to bring that extra person than so be it. But, the intent of Friendworks is to help you meet new people, so bringing along current acquaintances will likely make it more difficult for you to do so. If you’d like to introduce your significant other or other friend to the group, just schedule a special activity after your group has had the opportunity to meet two or three times (or more)?